Initials steps to help support children navigating separation or divorce
DIVORCE AND SEPARATION
Putting children at the centre of divorce or separation, some initial steps.
Divorce (or separation) is a tough time, for everyone – regardless of the reasons or circumstances. Adults have to try to navigate a really difficult time, alongside being there for their children and all the feelings that divorce brings up for a child, whilst often feeling overwhelmed and hijacked by their own emotions. Divorce brings about change, and change is something that children can often find difficult to navigate.
Statistics back up that “till death do us part” is definitely not a guaranteed outcome of marriage, any more than co-habiting is. However, it is not divorce or separation per se that often creates trauma for a child, but rather how the whole process is managed. Whilst so much often feels out of control when the ending of a relationship is initiated, one thing we can try to control as much as possible, is the impact divorce and separation has on our children. Is it possible to have such a thing as a “decent” divorce/separation? Whether it turns out to be the reality, we do have to try as hard as possible to make it happen for our children. Children need to be put at the centre of the process, rather than be caught up in the middle of it. As with so many aspects of parenting, when we try to parent intentionally, it gives us the best chance of success.
Once the incredibly hard decision has been made to separate, telling our children that this is what is going to happen is the next step. As ever with parenting – preparedness is a tactic to embrace and harness. So, in the first instance what can we plan to do when we tell our children, to ensure that we give ourselves – and our children – the best chance of limiting their pain and confusion:
Planning the conversation:
· If it is possible, tell our children together. It provides children with the demonstrable fact that this is a unified decision
· Tell our children at a time when we are not rushed, but have time to spend with them – this may be at the start of a weekend when there is then space for them to begin to digest the news
· If possible, work out a script for children, before sitting down with them, that both parties agree on. There is no perfect script, so it’s important not to get bogged down with thinking we have to have an Oscar winning performance nailed down. However, knowing that both parents are going to be consistent in their explanations, and that the explanations are age-appropriate is good enough. It helps children start to understand and assimilate what is going to happen, going forward. In the immediate aftermath of being told about an impending divorce, children may not have a particularly strong reaction – it will take time for a child to process the information and for the reality of the situation to be clear
· Try to make a short list of some of the questions children may have – the questions may well keep on coming thick and fast, or they may take their time to be voiced. However, there are some obvious questions that children will have, and thinking about them in advance means we can be as ready as possible to provide answers. Likewise try to consider the power of language. Too often children hear negative language such as “broken” or “failed” when it comes to talking about the end of a relationship
· Again – if it is possible – try to have a timetable to talk to our children about what is going to happen and when in the coming days and weeks.
During the conversation:
· Children need to hear (and then have it reiterated time and time again in ongoing conversations), that it is the parents who are separating, not the parent and child. Receiving the message that parents will always be the parent, and they will both continue to love their children is a key facet in acceptance of the situation. Tell them that their family will always be a family – it will look different, but it will still be a family
· Look to reassure a child that the reasons for getting a divorce have nothing to do with them, or anything they may think they have done
· Avoid talking about the other partner in derogatory terms (and in turn) not allowing others around one’s children to talk about a partner in derogatory terms
· Allow feelings to come out. Crying is definitely not against the rules – for our children or for us!
After the conversation:
· Remember to tell a school, nursery or childcare, what is going on. Ask for their support to “keep an eye” on our children, rather than thinking they have to open up a conversation about what is going on
· Remember that children are not responsible for a parents’ emotions and that their role is not to be our confidant (and when we are living apart, not to be a “spy” for us)
· Wherever possible, it can help to limit hurt and confusion when both parents look at, and formulate a plan, as to how they are going to parent apart, but still as a team. This is where reaching out for support to work out a plan can make a huge difference
· Try to keep routines in place wherever possible – routines provide predictability for all children, and especially at times of change. Predictability equals safety. This can include keeping on going with activities that children may have enjoyed with one or other parent
· Try to keep from overwhelming a child with too much information, whilst also trying to include them in some conversations (such as things they would like to take with them to have at both homes)
· As ever, remember that behaviour = communication. One of the many roles of a parent is to emotion coach our children. This means we help them to learn and understand about emotions and feelings and how these may show up in our lives and our bodies. Children may not have the emotional maturity to talk about how they are feeling or indeed know what emotions they are experiencing. This may mean that children seem to behave out of character. This change in behaviour may be a child’s way of letting us know that they are struggling, they are confused, uncertain or sad or angry. Our job as the adult is to give them time and space to listen to what is going on for them and to support them to manage these emotions. Listening, acknowledging and validating a child’s feelings goes a long way to helping them to feel seen and heard. Continuing to try to work as a team to support our children, can be phenomenally helpful not just for them, but for us as well. The game may have changed, but if we can adapt the rules for this new version of the game, our children will be the winners
· Hold on to the fact that young children are egocentric – this means that their overriding concern will be about themselves – this is not selfish behaviour it is a natural stage of child development.
· Remember that we don’t have to have all the answers all of the time. It is totally ok to say to a child that we’re not sure or that we need more time to think about something, and that we’ll get back to them when we have the answer or have thought about something more. Giving children clear, unambiguous information is much more helpful than giving them a reply that allows a child room for conjecture
· Parents are a child’s North Star - their lighthouse. When we provide children with thoughtful, considered answers to their questions about the process of divorce, we are helping to give them a compass to navigate their way through what is happening. Questions will change as children mature – things may well resurface years later that we thought had been dealt with and moved on from
· Allow some time to pass and for things to settle a bit, before hiring a lawyer. Look to find a law firm who puts the best interests of the child at the centre of proceedings.
Some practical tips for both parents and young children:
· If a child is keen, have a transitional object they can take with them from one home to another – whatever helps to make them feel safe
· Be honest about what is going on – if there is no chance of a reconciliation for example, tell a child, rather than allow for them to think that this is a real possibility
· Use a visual calendar to show a child how time with each parent is going to look
· Only commit to things that we know we can deliver on. Letting a child down can feel doubly hard for them after a relationship ends. Knowing they can continue to count on both parents allows for children to feel safe in both relationships
· Consider using a co-parenting app such as Our Family Wizard, Talking Parents, 2 Houses, App Close, Fayr
Once we have started the process, books can be a great way of continuing conversations around what is going on. They can help to provide age-appropriate language around the subject, and how it will potentially impact a child’s life. They can help to normalize what is going on for a child, and to help them to feel that they are not the only ones going through this process. They can help provide a child with knowledge and understanding of the feelings they are having, alongside helping them to share and process their feelings about the changes in the family unit. Books can also help children with the process of understanding and accepting new family set ups such as stepparents, stepsiblings and different custody situations.
Before reading a book to a child – check that it is relatable, age-appropriate and feels aligned with the language and way that we want to talk and support our children
Some books on Separation and Parenting Apart:
Why don’t we all live together Emma Waddington & Christopher
anymore? McMurray
Fred stays with me Nancy Coffelt
Emily’s blue period Cathleen Daly
Two homes Clare Masurel
When I miss you Cornelia Maude Spelman
Divorce is the worst Anastasia Higginbotham
Living with Mum, and living with Dad Melanie Walsh
Mum and Dad glue Kes Gray
That missing feeling Amy Ludwig Vanderwater
The great big book of families Mary Hoffman
My family’s changing Pat Thomas
Why do families change? Dr Jillian Roberts
I don’t want to talk about it Jeanie Franz Ransom
Saturday is Pattyday Lesléa Newman
Love is what makes us a family Julia E Morrison & Laura Knauer
A tale of two seders Mindy Portnoy
A new special friend Tamar Burris (When an ex starts dating someone new)
You make your parents super happy Richy K Chandler
I have a question about divorce Arlen Grad Gaines & Meredith Englander Polsky
(A book for children with autism spectrum disorder or other special needs):
All you need is love Shanni Collins
(Celebrating families of all shapes and sizes):
Always Mom, Forever Dad Joanna Rowland and Penny Weber
Books for older children:
What in the world do you do when your parents divorce? Kent Winchester & Roberts Beyer
When your parents divorce Kimberley King
What happens when parents get parents get divorced Sara Olsher
A kids book about divorce Ashley Simpo
The suitcase kid Jacqueline Wilson
The case of the scary divorce Carl Pickhardt
Candy floss Jacqueline Wilson
Goggle eyes Anne Fine
It’s not the end of the world Judy Blume
Journals for children about divorce:
The divorce journal for kids Sue Atkins